In which Pomni discusses workplace discrimination, Caine and Kinger have a totally safe sane and professional relationship, and Dr football gets therapy. a vivisection of Caine and Kingers weird fucked up homoerotic bromance.
*snorts coke* so much fucking banter
(See the end of the work for more notes.)
“GOOOOOOOOOOOOOD MORNING MY AUDACIOUS ACTS!”
It’s a glorious morning in the circus, and Caine is finding new ways to break the sound barrier.
He seems unusually excited this morning; zipping back and forth above the crowd of curious heads, tired eyes peering up at him as they shuffle to the center of the tent. Kinger is at the back of the group, as always; it’s a habit he’s kept from way-back-when, when he had someone to shuffle along beside.
But for now the lights are blinding, and he has no need to think of that. Kinger shuffles forward with bloodshot eyes, blindly following the blur of colors that form his fellow players. Zooble is the closest and easiest to follow, what with their neon-bright body and wild shapes. He hobbles along behind them, passively listening to their grumbling.
“Goddamn— ugnh, leg,”
Zooble is saying, knee joint click-click-clicking with each limping step. “Stupid things. Why’d I pick this one again…?”
“Augh, f^&k!”
They slip, and Gangle catches them with a yelp, ribbons shimmering as they pull taught around Zoobles arm. Zoobles' parts clatter as they heft themselves back up, stormy-faced and looking even more sullen than usual.
“Urgh. Thanks.” Zooble groans. Gangle smiles, shyly.
An ominous cube passes overhead. It plunges them into shadow, Kingers eyes dilating as he pauses for a second, to watch the two rearrange. They were already walking hand-in-ribbon before, but that grip is a little tighter now. Good, they should stick together…
Then they pass out from the cubes shadow, and the world becomes a blur again. A blur of red specifically— Caine barrels past him, swooping up into the air with a dramatic flourish.
“ALRIGHTY EVERYONE,” He says with a clap. “TODAYS VERY SPECIAL ADVENTURE IS….”
Bubble is playing an anticipatory riff on a snare drum in the corner. It looks pleased to have a job.
“THE AMAZING DIGITAL CIRCUS’S ANNUAL LAZER-MAZE-GUN-TAG-FLAG-CAPTURE-TILE-BULLRIDE-BUCKWILD SHOWDOWN!!!”
He booms, with the usual confetti pop. Murmurs run through the small crowd of players, Ragatha sighing, Jax flattening his ears in annoyance. The mood has dropped like a lump of lead, somehow plunging even farther into “Ugh, not this...” territory than it usually does.
“Annual?”
Zooble asks, bewildered. Caine nods, flipping his hat around and somehow swapping it for a calendar. Bubble has now eaten the drumstick. And drum.
“IN-DEEDY DO!” He cries, tapping the page. “EVERY 113TH ADVENTURE, ON THE DOT!”
“That’s not —“
“THIS ADVENTURE IS A BONAFIDE CULT CLASSIC! SO YOU'RE ALL GOING THIS TIME.”
Zooble looks alarmed. “But—“ They try, only to be drowned out.
“SORRY!!! NO OPT OUTS!!! NEED THE DATA!!”
Caine shrieks, rapidly tapping the clipboard he seems to have produced from absolutely nowhere. He sounds desperate, ergo normal.
Kinger, who has been gradually warming his brain up for the morning in the same way you warm a glacier with a scarf, feels a twang of pity. It’s ironic that out of all of them, Caine is the one who seems the most high strung…He scratches at his cloak absentmindedly, completely blanking out on the conversation as the thought is blown lazily across his mind like a tumbleweed.
At some point, Kinger distantly remembers that there’s a conversation going on, and blinks. He drags himself back into focus for a moment to check on what’s going on.
“THAT BEING SAID, MAKE SURE TO GIVE FEEDBACK ON THE DAYS EVENTS!”
Caine is saying, inexplicably now holding a scroll.
“SUCH AS….”
The scroll unfurls, it’s tail end bouncing merrily past Kinger and into the distance. He waves after it.
Then immediately spaces back out again so he doesn’t have to listen to this.
…But before he can, a blue hand shoots up, waving above the heads of the other players.
“U-um! I have feedback?”
“EH?”
Caine replies, looking up. It’s Pomni’s hand waving from the back of the crowd— Zooble and Ragatha shuffle to make room for her as she steps forward, squeezing around Jax, who seems to have dozed off with his eyes open.
“I said, I have feedback.”
She repeats, a little breathlessly. Caine just sort of stares at her, buffering. He hesitates for a moment, goes to say something, pauses, glances away, looks back at her, looks down at the scroll, frowns, then— finally— stops.
“I— I SUPPOSE YOU COULD….VOICE IT,”
He says hesitantly, as if he’s never quite considered this situation. Pomni nods. She stands firmly at the head of the group; heels together, shoulders squared. Professional. She straightens up, clearing her throat.
“Well, uh…” She takes a deep breath.
“I think…these adventures are unfair.”
She pauses.
“…To Kinger.”
Caine just stares at her. Jax’s face scrunches up like he's trying not to laugh. Kinger himself, who has been quietly observing a large rhombus that’s been floating by, makes a small surprised sound similar to a half-asleep weasel.
“IT…IS?”
Caine asks, frowning, Pomni nods vigorously, the bells on her hat jangling.
“Yes! In fact—“
“Are you sure?”
Kinger echoes, equally confused, and Pomni shoots him a Look. A capital-L, listen here fucker, do not fucking fuck this up for me bro, kind of Look. The kind of Look that— in Kingers many years of experience— usually leads to something being lit on fire. Kinger kind of likes fire since it tends to keep Jax occupied and away from sharp, stabbing implements, so he obediently shuts his metaphorical mouth.
“YES, it IS,”
Pomni insists, glaring at him. She turns back to Caine, grim determination in her face. Kinger doubts she’ll drop the topic so easily.
“It’s very unfair. Think of all the jumping and the car chases and the bombs— Caine, he can’t do any of that! Almost none of us can.”
“Amen to that.” Zooble says dryly. “if you think these knees can bend, you’re crazy.”
“WELL I—“
“Kinger!” Pomni asks, ignoring Caine completely. “Can you climb, run, jump, swim, or pole vault?”
Kinger freezes like a deer in game-show headlights, and shakes his head.
”No, no I can’t.”
“See? He’s at a big disadvantage! It’s unfair.”
Pomni turns back to Caine with an expectant expression, hands perched on her hips. Caine looks…throughly un-grooved by now, and droops like a plastic plant.
“…But I can shuffle!”
Kinger pipes up, helpfully. He demonstrates, awkwardly shuffling a whole black tile to the left.
“SEE?! HE CAN— HE CAN SPEED-SHUFFLE! HE'S FINE!!!”
Caine cries, jabbing a finger at him. Pomni groans, and Jax starts to snicker. Kinger starts scanning for places to take cover.
“Oh my gosh— CAINE! That doesn’t matter!! That’s not— okay, just, listen please.” She pleads, looking exasperated. “My point is that these adventures are a lot! Especially for someone like Kinger, it’s just not fair. Or fun.”
“The shotguns were pretty fun, you should add more of those.”
Jax pipes up, immediately dodging a whack from Zooble. Caine twiches.
“BUT,” Pomni growls, glaring at him, “that’s easily fixed! Right, guys? All you have to do is tone down the adventures.”
“You know, for Kingers sake…?”
Pomni glances pointedly at the group, and Zoobles eyes suddenly go wide. They successfully whack Jax in the arm just as he’s about to say something, apparently picking up on…well, something Kinger definitely isn’t.
“Yeah, for Kingers sake.”
They say quickly, nodding along. “Hey, since me n’ gangle are so fragile, why don’t we just…skip the adventure altogether? Y’know, to be fair.”
Pomni grins, giving them a thumbs up. Jax is rolling his eyes at her. And rubbing his arm.
“HMMMM….”
Caine hmm’s, apparently actually considering it.
“WELL FIRST OF ALL, YOU TWO GIGGLING-GUMDROPS ARE ABSOLUTELY COMING ALONG—“
He says, waving his cane at a disappointed Zooble and Gangle.
“BUT YOU DO HAVE A POINT ABOUT KINGER!”
“I do?”
Pomni whispers, looking confused.
“She does?”
Kinger echoes, after he’s recovered from the fright she gave him. Caine barely knows he exists half the time, why is he noticing him now? Well, no, hes quite nice on the rare occasions he stays late. They have a lot of fun testing adventures together…
“WELL, YES! I NEVER DID UPDATE YOUR MODEL TO ACCOUNT FOR THIS NEW (REVOLUTIONARY) PHASE OF MY ADVENTURE-MAKING!!”
Caine explains, answering 0 questions and spawning five more.
Everyone is confused now. Even Ragatha, and she’s the oldest player around with a brain that still functions properly! When he joined adventures were a lot simpler…the lack of arms didn’t bother him so much then. But trying to think that far back makes his brain start feeling like it’s full of glass, so he usually doesn’t. Like now! He’s so good at not thinking about his incredibly painful past, it’s a talent. He should enter a talent show. Or maybe not, that seems—
“TIMES HAVE CHANGED, AND YOU NEED TO GET UP TO SPEED!”
Caine explains, snapping his fingers.
“AND LUCKY LUCKY YOU, I CAN GIVE YOU A COSTUME CHANGE RIGHT NOW!!”
listen, this is the fic equivalent of me like, sitting on a beach somewhere. kicking back in some jorts. smoking a bong. I gotta clock into a 90k monster later, 3 beta readers, 4 pov’s…That shits a full time job, man…i need a palate cleanser… …Oh yeah! Also, this isn’t canon to that. And I haven’t seen episode five at time of writing.